A man is at work, crying. A colleague comes over and says 'Lionel, you alright mate?' so Lionel says 'nah man, my uncle died' the other guy says 'oh no, that's terrible!! How did it happen?!' . . . . 'well, he was cleaning the windows in a paint factory, slipped, and fell in a vat of varnish and drowned' the other guy says 'oh my god, that's a terrible way to go!' and Lionel says 'On the contrary, the chief inspector said he had a beautiful finish'
Thursday, 11 July 2013
Sunday, 30 June 2013
Diaries Of A Dying Addiction
Well, it's happening. Next week I join a long list of celebrities and degenerates and I'm getting medical help to end my torturous, many years long, alcohol addiction.
This post is just to alert you of my new blog under the same name.
For too long I've not taken life seriously so I want to try and give something back. Because I'm a talentless wanker, this is the only way I know how to do it.
I will be documenting every stage of my rehabilitation, withdrawal, feelings, emotions and physical side effects. Some of you may think this is egotistical, or you might be thinking you don't give a shit. Well? Fuck off. This is to hopefully help an increasing army of drunks find the courage, like myself to stop. So if you don't like it, don't read it. No one put chainsaw to you kids neck.
This blog will be serious, funny, surreal, and bizarre. One thing it will NOT be is pretty. I want to be as honest and open as I can so other drunks can know what to expect roughly and what days shit tends to happen. On a serious note, you are not alone. If I can be of any help just message me, or comment.
Welcome to the very gates of hell. It's gonna be a very messy ride so lets strap ourselves in and fuck shit up!
Zydeco Hooligan
Sunday, 17 March 2013
No Dad!!! Not There!!!
Now i have you're attention, it's time to corrupt you with another post >:)
Before we start, this blog is dedicated to somebody special to me who is having a really tough time right now. Keep your chin up sweetheart, you've got a big, dumb, shaved ape watching your back and this blog is purely to cheer you up.
Right, so i have realized i have a new fear. Christopher Walken as a cyborg killing machine from the future sent to kill everybody and everything so the machines can mate and spread their evil spawnbots. And why would i be legitimately afraid of this? Have you ever seen a cyborg Christopher Walken?
Uuuuurgh did i really just spell "Screamed" as 'screemed'?
Right!! WHY does every single African child feel like they have to run behind a car when it goes through their town???? Are they magnetic?? What we're seeing is children running and waving, but whats really happening is they are screaming and trying to flail their arms to get your attention as you speed up and drive away. Because i'm an Arsehole i'd probably stamp on the breaks and see how many of them go steaming face first into the back of the car hahaha poor little bastards.
Now i've picked on African children, its time to pick on the blind.
I've always wanted to get a MASSIVE perspex sheet with handles on it (like a giant Riot Shield) and stand in front of a blind person with it, as they are turning you move with them so it appears they have walked into a plastic box and can't get out. That will probably kick up a stink on here but if i was blind, i'd want to have tricks like that played on me!
When i was in a Wheelchair for a couple of months, my friends would take my crutches and jam them in the wheels in such a way that i couldn't go anywhere.... that in my opinion was comedy gold.
Anyway... i gotta get my arse in gear and make myself ready for eating something... wish me luck, i feel like a Shit and Horse Cum Baguette.
Tatty Bye! <3
Before we start, this blog is dedicated to somebody special to me who is having a really tough time right now. Keep your chin up sweetheart, you've got a big, dumb, shaved ape watching your back and this blog is purely to cheer you up.
Right, so i have realized i have a new fear. Christopher Walken as a cyborg killing machine from the future sent to kill everybody and everything so the machines can mate and spread their evil spawnbots. And why would i be legitimately afraid of this? Have you ever seen a cyborg Christopher Walken?
Fucking hell.....
UUUUURGH I am SO hungover right now, so hungover infact, i would sleep with Kerry Katona to get rid of it! Toad in the hole for lunch cooking... usually heaven but the smell is turning my stomach like a motherfucker. I literally feel like someone put a sleeping bat in my stomach and then screemed down my throat.
Uuuuurgh did i really just spell "Screamed" as 'screemed'?
Right!! WHY does every single African child feel like they have to run behind a car when it goes through their town???? Are they magnetic?? What we're seeing is children running and waving, but whats really happening is they are screaming and trying to flail their arms to get your attention as you speed up and drive away. Because i'm an Arsehole i'd probably stamp on the breaks and see how many of them go steaming face first into the back of the car hahaha poor little bastards.
Now i've picked on African children, its time to pick on the blind.
I've always wanted to get a MASSIVE perspex sheet with handles on it (like a giant Riot Shield) and stand in front of a blind person with it, as they are turning you move with them so it appears they have walked into a plastic box and can't get out. That will probably kick up a stink on here but if i was blind, i'd want to have tricks like that played on me!
When i was in a Wheelchair for a couple of months, my friends would take my crutches and jam them in the wheels in such a way that i couldn't go anywhere.... that in my opinion was comedy gold.
Anyway... i gotta get my arse in gear and make myself ready for eating something... wish me luck, i feel like a Shit and Horse Cum Baguette.
Tatty Bye! <3
Friday, 15 February 2013
Another 20 Cent Goodbye...
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAK!!!!!!!!!!
Morning, Bastards. Nearly a month since i posted... don't like it? complain to your mother.
What's been happening? Well, where i should telling you to mind your own business, i'm gonna fill you in. Some good times have happened, plenty of booze, sex and dog hair. (Dog hair and sex came separately of course, but AS IF you're going to believe that now i've said it)
I'm STILL not 100% from being ill, here's a tip... don't do Comedy Powder after a severe viral infection... REALLY stupid move. It drops your immune system completely JUST when you need it.
Mardi Gras came and went... was a very quiet one this year and was gutted.. was supposed to be hitting New Orleans for Mardi Gras but nope, the universe had other plans. Boredom and Pancakes. It should have been Colourful, dancing, Zydeco, beads, urinating in the street and seeing lots of boobs, but instead i got stuck with a scene similar to Russia back in the 80's... cold, black and white grainy Eastern European violin background bullshit. If there is a god, he needs a fuckin' slap.
Right! my hateful rant for the day! (if the others weren't hateful enough for you)...... Where have all the good bands gone? SERIOUSLY.... i'm listening to the album "Hang-Ups" by Goldfinger..... that album is a fucking BLISTERINGLY good album. Superman, My head, 20 cent goodbye, Chris Cayton, Carlita, Skiers Must Perish.... fucking CHILDHOOD right there... well.. teen years. but suddenly, Goldfinger SUCK. well, it wasn't that sudden... they've sucked since after Stomping Ground... but look at this this way... bands that have lost their balls....
-Goldfinger
-Mad Caddies
-Rancid (come on Tim, sort it out son.)
-Suicide Machines
-Reel Big Fish
-NOFX
and MANY others....
The only band i SHOULD have put on there but haven't is Less Than Jake. This band is TRULY special... these guys were amazing, but then went down the slope... they sucked harder than Michael Barrymore on a dead blokes wrinkle stick. BUT, even though they sucked so bad (almost went emo, dropped the horn section completely) has anyone heard their newer stuff? RIGHT back to where it was meant to fuckin' be... back in the sunshine, back with the horns, and back with me dressed as a woman staggering around letting chinese hookers snort Silly Dust off of my botty while i cry and wonder where my life has gone.
Anyway, running out of things to say.... i'm sure only one special person will read this, and if you are, it's dedicated to you.
A lovely slice of hate and bitching JUST for you :)
Dasvidaniya you bunch of Cunts <3 xxxxx
Morning, Bastards. Nearly a month since i posted... don't like it? complain to your mother.
What's been happening? Well, where i should telling you to mind your own business, i'm gonna fill you in. Some good times have happened, plenty of booze, sex and dog hair. (Dog hair and sex came separately of course, but AS IF you're going to believe that now i've said it)
I'm STILL not 100% from being ill, here's a tip... don't do Comedy Powder after a severe viral infection... REALLY stupid move. It drops your immune system completely JUST when you need it.
Mardi Gras came and went... was a very quiet one this year and was gutted.. was supposed to be hitting New Orleans for Mardi Gras but nope, the universe had other plans. Boredom and Pancakes. It should have been Colourful, dancing, Zydeco, beads, urinating in the street and seeing lots of boobs, but instead i got stuck with a scene similar to Russia back in the 80's... cold, black and white grainy Eastern European violin background bullshit. If there is a god, he needs a fuckin' slap.
Right! my hateful rant for the day! (if the others weren't hateful enough for you)...... Where have all the good bands gone? SERIOUSLY.... i'm listening to the album "Hang-Ups" by Goldfinger..... that album is a fucking BLISTERINGLY good album. Superman, My head, 20 cent goodbye, Chris Cayton, Carlita, Skiers Must Perish.... fucking CHILDHOOD right there... well.. teen years. but suddenly, Goldfinger SUCK. well, it wasn't that sudden... they've sucked since after Stomping Ground... but look at this this way... bands that have lost their balls....
-Goldfinger
-Mad Caddies
-Rancid (come on Tim, sort it out son.)
-Suicide Machines
-Reel Big Fish
-NOFX
and MANY others....
The only band i SHOULD have put on there but haven't is Less Than Jake. This band is TRULY special... these guys were amazing, but then went down the slope... they sucked harder than Michael Barrymore on a dead blokes wrinkle stick. BUT, even though they sucked so bad (almost went emo, dropped the horn section completely) has anyone heard their newer stuff? RIGHT back to where it was meant to fuckin' be... back in the sunshine, back with the horns, and back with me dressed as a woman staggering around letting chinese hookers snort Silly Dust off of my botty while i cry and wonder where my life has gone.
Anyway, running out of things to say.... i'm sure only one special person will read this, and if you are, it's dedicated to you.
A lovely slice of hate and bitching JUST for you :)
Dasvidaniya you bunch of Cunts <3 xxxxx
Friday, 25 January 2013
Calm Down Donald!
Alright?
Back after a short time to spread my message of hate again, just for you guys!
So what's new? I've been incredibly Ill, that's what! Also, while everyone's out having a fuckin' whale of a time, i'm stuck here blogging on a friday night.... i'm so pathetic its even amusing me! Anyway, Started off as food poisoning around Christmas, then flu a few weeks back, didn't get better and now i've got Sinusitis! Not to mention i had the Runs worse than Daley Bastard Thompson. I kid you not, it was making a noise quite similar to if Donald Duck had caught me standing in his flower bed.
Speaking of which, has anyone noticed Disney's failure in the design of him.... how easy would he be to murder? just hold his beak closed, put your thumbs over the nose holes and gently "Shush" him to sleep. Mickey mouse on the other doesn't ever sit or fuckin' stand still for a second! He's like a child with ADHD... I bet he was well naughty at school! Such a bastard... you always hear of celebrities hindering the other kids learning as children! I bet Jim Carey was a fucking nightmare! he seems like the sort of person who believed his Surname was "Sit Down" or "Get down from there!" or "Stop doing that!" until he was 13.
I don't really know what else to say to be honest! I'm gonna get pretty wasted and maybe come back and make another one to see how my brain switches! XD
Dasvidaniya, Fuckers! ^_^
Back after a short time to spread my message of hate again, just for you guys!
So what's new? I've been incredibly Ill, that's what! Also, while everyone's out having a fuckin' whale of a time, i'm stuck here blogging on a friday night.... i'm so pathetic its even amusing me! Anyway, Started off as food poisoning around Christmas, then flu a few weeks back, didn't get better and now i've got Sinusitis! Not to mention i had the Runs worse than Daley Bastard Thompson. I kid you not, it was making a noise quite similar to if Donald Duck had caught me standing in his flower bed.
Speaking of which, has anyone noticed Disney's failure in the design of him.... how easy would he be to murder? just hold his beak closed, put your thumbs over the nose holes and gently "Shush" him to sleep. Mickey mouse on the other doesn't ever sit or fuckin' stand still for a second! He's like a child with ADHD... I bet he was well naughty at school! Such a bastard... you always hear of celebrities hindering the other kids learning as children! I bet Jim Carey was a fucking nightmare! he seems like the sort of person who believed his Surname was "Sit Down" or "Get down from there!" or "Stop doing that!" until he was 13.
I don't really know what else to say to be honest! I'm gonna get pretty wasted and maybe come back and make another one to see how my brain switches! XD
Dasvidaniya, Fuckers! ^_^
Wednesday, 16 January 2013
Blue Hedgehogs And Orange Juice Boxes
Good MOOOOOOOOOORNING Vietnam!
Rather than having to deal with a Hook-Nosed Berk, you're stuck with me i'm afraid! So... what's new today then? Well... i decided to eat the leftovers from yesterdays Chilli and i'm now fuller than a Bishops Ballsack. Why on earth i'm filling myself with such heavy crap i don't know... i could do with dropping a few Lbs and that is no lie! After munching myself through Crimbo and drinking more than Mel Gibson on a weeknight, my figure has changed..... and changed FOREVEEEEEEER...... Nah i'll just hit the gym :D
I listened to an old cassette i found this morning, it had no label and i have to say i can't resist that... i get all excited and wonder what it is. After listening for a few minutes i came to the conclusion that i must of somehow came into possession of a tape that had escaped from Hunstanton's Fairground.... (Carnival for US Citizens). Hunstanton is my childhood seaside resort and a marvelous place it is too! It doesn't have overweight dart players with tattoos waddling about, smacking their kids to Limbo and back. Fuck the term 'Broken Britain'.... it should be "Bruised Britain!"
Anyway! The tape! The music on it was pretty much fresh of the Waltzers ride at Hunstanton.... these guys are particular offenders of using this tape.
These Hits include:
- All That She Wants by Ace Of Base
- Return Of The Mack by Mark Morrison
- Here Comes The Hotstepper by Ini Kamoze
- Gangsters Paridise by Coolio
- Red Red Wine by UB40
And the list goes on... Just youtube these songs and do yourself a favour if you've not heard them! Now, you can forgive me i guess for going on a beautiful and nostalgic trip to my childhood, where the only thing i had to worry about (really) was kicking Dr. Robotniks arse on Sonic The Hedgehog. Man i love that game! But the real thing i want to talk about with you, is... the 90's.
The 90's is a MUCH overlooked era. I was born in 1986, so growing up as a child in the 1990's was absolute Bliss. Food was still salty and loaded with Shit, orange juice glowed in the dark from E-numbers, Kids were still allowed to run around like Amphetamine abusers, breaking everything because it was to be expected with all the shit our parents were feeding us. Summers were still long and endless, the local shop still sold 'Atomic Warheads' sweets and Nightmare was on TV. We had Sonic The Hedgehog, Road Rash, Toe Jam and Earl, Desert Strike, and wherever you went there were SEGA and Nintendo characters EVERYWHERE. I even remember fights happening between groups of Fanboys over SEGA and Nintendos rivalry! It was crazy! (I'm a proud SEGA kid, Fuck You Nintendo.)
We had the best school discos in primary school, dance competitions fueled by pure nuclear energy from Space Raiders Pickled Onion flavoured crisps and fuckin' Calypso Juice Boxes.... we had the first appearance of Power Rangers too and all the other excellent TV that was on at the time.... Shit! I even remember when Sky Movies was ONE CHANNEL hahaha!
Anyway, to wrap it up, I know i made fun of these ride operators for using this music, but after the beautiful and fond memories i've had this morning, the fun and brilliant Journey through heart warming nostalgia i've been on blogging this to you, i hope the ride operators NEVER stop using these songs....
Rather than having to deal with a Hook-Nosed Berk, you're stuck with me i'm afraid! So... what's new today then? Well... i decided to eat the leftovers from yesterdays Chilli and i'm now fuller than a Bishops Ballsack. Why on earth i'm filling myself with such heavy crap i don't know... i could do with dropping a few Lbs and that is no lie! After munching myself through Crimbo and drinking more than Mel Gibson on a weeknight, my figure has changed..... and changed FOREVEEEEEEER...... Nah i'll just hit the gym :D
I listened to an old cassette i found this morning, it had no label and i have to say i can't resist that... i get all excited and wonder what it is. After listening for a few minutes i came to the conclusion that i must of somehow came into possession of a tape that had escaped from Hunstanton's Fairground.... (Carnival for US Citizens). Hunstanton is my childhood seaside resort and a marvelous place it is too! It doesn't have overweight dart players with tattoos waddling about, smacking their kids to Limbo and back. Fuck the term 'Broken Britain'.... it should be "Bruised Britain!"
Anyway! The tape! The music on it was pretty much fresh of the Waltzers ride at Hunstanton.... these guys are particular offenders of using this tape.
These Hits include:
- All That She Wants by Ace Of Base
- Return Of The Mack by Mark Morrison
- Here Comes The Hotstepper by Ini Kamoze
- Gangsters Paridise by Coolio
- Red Red Wine by UB40
And the list goes on... Just youtube these songs and do yourself a favour if you've not heard them! Now, you can forgive me i guess for going on a beautiful and nostalgic trip to my childhood, where the only thing i had to worry about (really) was kicking Dr. Robotniks arse on Sonic The Hedgehog. Man i love that game! But the real thing i want to talk about with you, is... the 90's.
The 90's is a MUCH overlooked era. I was born in 1986, so growing up as a child in the 1990's was absolute Bliss. Food was still salty and loaded with Shit, orange juice glowed in the dark from E-numbers, Kids were still allowed to run around like Amphetamine abusers, breaking everything because it was to be expected with all the shit our parents were feeding us. Summers were still long and endless, the local shop still sold 'Atomic Warheads' sweets and Nightmare was on TV. We had Sonic The Hedgehog, Road Rash, Toe Jam and Earl, Desert Strike, and wherever you went there were SEGA and Nintendo characters EVERYWHERE. I even remember fights happening between groups of Fanboys over SEGA and Nintendos rivalry! It was crazy! (I'm a proud SEGA kid, Fuck You Nintendo.)
We had the best school discos in primary school, dance competitions fueled by pure nuclear energy from Space Raiders Pickled Onion flavoured crisps and fuckin' Calypso Juice Boxes.... we had the first appearance of Power Rangers too and all the other excellent TV that was on at the time.... Shit! I even remember when Sky Movies was ONE CHANNEL hahaha!
Anyway, to wrap it up, I know i made fun of these ride operators for using this music, but after the beautiful and fond memories i've had this morning, the fun and brilliant Journey through heart warming nostalgia i've been on blogging this to you, i hope the ride operators NEVER stop using these songs....
Tuesday, 15 January 2013
Strawberry Ice Cream
Happy Birthday! just in case it's your birthday when you read this.
Well! I'm back for a second day of mayhem and destruction... Don't blame me.. You can blame my good friend Emma, she encouraged me so it's entirely her fault. (If you're reading this love, tell your Nana to keep her back to the wall.)
So! Another day... i woke up feeling hungover as promised, slapped on some BeauSoleil and guzzled some Cherry Coke. The only thing i know that is better than Sex first thing in the morning is Zydeco music.... i wouldn't mix the two though... the rhythm would be absolute comedy gold! In fact, ANYTHING with accordions in it is a no go area for Sex unless you both wanted to be sobbing with laughter and kill the mood. A past experience found me with a partner when suddenly, The Dreadnoughts came on... if you haven't heard them, they are a Folk Punk band that mainly do Sea Shanties with punk... what started as a passionate and gentle moment between two consenting adults ended in me feeling like a sweaty, bearded Sea Captain back in port, in the back room of a rough pub with a prostitute about 200-300 years ago..
While we're on the subject of sweaty bearded Sea Captains, i noticed Sharon Osbourne has been in the newspaper for being unreasonable....AGAIN. Now... i THINK it was about someone else's weight issue.. didn't she used to be a whole lot of woman herself? I remember looking for pictures a while ago of when she was huge but couldn't find any! Must be a global cover up, because if you buy the tribute album they made for Lynn Strait when he died, (Strait Up i think it was called) there's a picture of her in there looking massive.
AAAAAH! There we go! Ozzy and Sharon in 1987... and i think it got worse than that. Surely you'd think someone who was big in the past would have a little more understanding than to slam another person for their weight..... especially when she cheated and had hers hoovered out.
Anyway! This isn't a fuckin' celebrity gossip column so shall we crack on?
So today is National Strawberry Ice Cream day! to celebrate this day i have bought Vanilla Carte D'or Ice Cream to say "Fuck you" to the system... take THAT society. How are you guys celebrating yours? Did anybody actually know about this ridiculous holiday some Ice cream company probably paid Hallmark to invent so they could make a few bob? (To our Cousins overseas, that's a term used for making some money)
Seeing as it's quite early, i don't have much else to say... so i will either post later today, or tomorrow! Check back regularly to see if i've posted any more useless crap :)
Looooooooves <3 <3
Zydeco Hooligan
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